I matter, and for so long I had forgotten that...
My Husband and I were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant. After months of excited anticipation, our Daughter was born and our world changed forever. I always knew that I was put on this earth to be a Mother, and I loved every minute of it. Yet somewhere in the midst of sleepless nights, endless dirty diapers and shear exhaustion, I felt myself starting to dissipate. Every day I would drag myself out of bed, look in the mirror and not really recognize the person staring back at me. I don't know exactly when or where it happened: Between the daily pressures of life, the stress of being a new mother, striving to be the perfect wife, and the pressure of dealing with overbearing In-Laws, I started to crumble inside. Over time I knew and felt that I had lost myself completely. What you saw on the outside was a somewhat put together woman who appeared to have the perfect life. On the inside was a much different story. I started having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. I would find myself resenting my husband and lie awake at night tossing and turning, my head filled with anxious thoughts and worries. I felt like my spirit had died, the sparkle that used to light my eyes had faded, I no longer felt alive. I existed from day to day. I was not quite sure what was wrong, so I decided to ignore it and keep on doing what I do best, which is taking care of everyone around me.
After our Daughter's first Birthday, my Husband and I were eager to try for another child. We got pregnant on our first try; I was so excited and immediately started planning. Unfortunately, 5 weeks into the pregnancy I suffered a miscarriage. I was not sure what I was supposed to feel. I was very sad and confused, yet hopeful because I had been told that miscarriages were very common. My Doctor told me that it was completely normal and to try again. My Husband and I got pregnant a few months later, everything seemed right this time, I knew it was going to be OK, it had to be. 9 weeks later, a week before Christmas, I started bleeding. My heart sank as I drove home from work, I knew what was happening inside, but I kept telling myself everything would be OK. The next day I suffered my second miscarriage. I don’t remember much from those few dark days in December beyond endless despair, tears and confusion. I have a vague recollection of those few weeks. I went into survival mode to get through the Christmas holidays and Christmas Day with a smile on my face so no one would wonder what was going on with me. Inside I felt utter sadness, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world and just cry until there was no sadness left in me. I remember wondering in my head how long it would take before I held another newborn in my arms, the road seemed so long, I didn't even want to envision it.
In the days that followed I started thinking something was wrong with me, there had to be. Deep down I was terrified, I felt helpless and alone. I knew in my heart that no one was going to help me. My Doctor nonchalantly advised that I had to have 3 miscarriages before any testing could be done to see if there was anything wrong with me. This horrified me, I couldn't even imagine having a third miscarriage, let alone trying to get pregnant again. The thought of both filled my body with panic. I didn't quite know what to do, so I started researching online. I came across the topic of miscarriages, acupuncture and TCM. I ended up on Spence's website and was immediately intrigued by stories similar to mine. As an avid believer in holistic healing, I told myself I had nothing to lose, so I made an appointment with Spence.
When I met Spence he listened to my thoughts, fears and concerns, it was nice to be able to tell someone everything I had kept inside for so long. Spence was extremely kind and compassionate, he seemed to understand exactly what I was feeling and going through. I left his office feeling hopeful, and went home feeling positive. My Husband seemed relieved, and somewhat excited to see me so happy. I no longer felt alone. I felt like someone was working with me toward a common goal and was going to help me. It was a good feeling.
It has now been a little under two months since I first met Spence. In this time, I have been receiving acupuncture sessions and taking Chinese herbs at Spence's recommendation. I have cut sugar, gluten and dairy from my diet completely. I have never felt better. I can’t really explain what has started to bring my sense of self-back. I can’t even explain what made me awaken and realize that I needed to stand still, surrender and embrace what was happening to me. I needed to live in the moment enjoying what I have, in this moment. As I sit here writing this, I feel a smile on my face, and warmth in my heart that I have not felt for a long time. No, I am not pregnant, not yet anyway, but I am no longer afraid to try again. What I have realized in this short time is that I matter, and for so long I had forgotten that. I wish I had walked into Spence's office a year ago, but it’s never too late for anything. I truly believe that Spence has made a difference in my life. Whether it’s the Acupuncture, the herbs or my healthy diet; my body, mind and spirit has started to find its way back to me. I feel light hearted, happier and hopeful. My husband has noticed a drastic difference in my mood, my body language and my overall presence. I am very grateful to Spence, his guidance and kindness has truly made a difference in my life.
My story doesn't end here; it’s just the beginning of my journey. I look forward to the day I will sit down to write about the birth of my second child, I know it will be someday soon. I am hopeful, and hope knows no limits.